Occasionally (but infrequently), I’ll see the back of a book and be immediately hooked without having read a single page. The Defining Decade was one of those rare finds that caught my eye the moment I saw it. When it comes to reading, I generally find it difficult to set aside time which leads to most of my sessions being sporadic bursts throughout the week combined with my morning subway commutes. The Defining Decade, however, was an exception - I finished the first half of the book the day it came in the mail and had the rest completed by the end of that week.
In so many ways, I found this book to be simultaneously motivating and anxiety-inducing. The author, a clinical psychologist, used reconstructed interviews with her former patients to argue why the twenties are the most important years of our lives. Breaking the book down into three major sections (The Brain and Body, Work, and Love), she does a fantastic job of blending together patient interviews, modern studies, alarming statistics, and her own thoughts. As I turned the pages, I learned enough about myself to understand why some people are obsessed with self-help books. In the past, I’ve tried to read a few motivational books but thought they were generally cliché and preachy. The Defining Decade, on the other hand, felt less like a self-help book and more like carefully constructed advice from someone I personally knew. There were sections that felt like the author was directly targeting me, and I can confidently say this is the first time reading a book has ever made me anxious. But for each section that initially made me feel as if I was lagging behind my peers, a second read-through made it become more motivational and less confrontational. One of the recurring themes that was harsh to read at first is the number of thirty- or forty-year-olds interviewed who regret not taking more action in their twenties. The first few times those interviews were mentioned, it felt like added pressure to get more accomplished now; but the more I came across those interviews, it was motivating to know that I’m reading this book as a 22-year-old and eight years is A LOT of time to change anything what I want.
The last time I read a book with a highlighter in my hand was when I was forced to for high school literature classes, but even then, I usually flew through the assigned pages, underlining random quotes before reading an online summary on the ride to school. For some reason still unknown to me, I read this book with a pen in my hand and underlined my favorite one-liners, remarks, or even passages. I wanted to include some of those below (in no meaningful order).
- “80% of life’s most significant events happen by age 35.”
- “We are led to believe the twentysomething years don’t matter, yet, with the glamorization of and near obsession with the twenties, there is little to remind us that anything else ever will.”
- “Twentysomethings are more educated than ever before, but a smaller percentage find work after college.”
- “It seems everyone wants to be a twentysomething except most twentysomethings themselves.”
- “His twentysomething years were like being in the middle of an ocean. He couldn’t see land in any direction, so he didn’t know which way to go.”
- “Never again will we be so quick to learn things. Never again will it be so easy to become the people we hope to be. The risk is that we may not act now.”
- “Twentysomethings who don’t feel anxious and incompetent at work are usually overconfident or underemployed.”
- “There has been a spirited debate among personality researchers about whether people change after age thirty. Numerous studies have shown that, relatively speaking, we don’t.”
- “To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan, and not quite enough time.”
- “The best part about getting older is knowing how your life worked out.”
I think everyone who reads this book will have a largely different reaction to it. My friend Rob, who initially recommended it to me, spoke so positively about it that it fueled my expectations. Some people who have most things figured out may think it’s useless, and others who have less figured out may find it too stress-inducing. Most people, I think, will lie somewhere in between. If you’re reading this article because I sent you a link to it, it’s not because I don’t think your life isn’t put together, but because I think you would enjoy reading this book just as much as I did. One or more of our conversations talked about something heavily discussed in this book, and I hope you would get the same clarity out of it that I have:
Aditya, many of our Facetime calls have hit on something perfectly mentioned in this book. Taylor, it was the last time we hung out and talked about how little of our day is left after 5 p.m. Savitra, it was on your unexpected week-long visit where we ended up in that hotel lobby talking about 401(k)’s. Peter, it was being able to catch up with you last week after spending so much time together earlier in the summer. Raahil, nothing in particular, I just think you’d like the premise of this book. Jamie, I would put you on this list, but you read this way before I did. Sammy, the rest of us at work have read it, so I think it’s only right if you’re next. Emma and Ellie, you probably got tired of mentioning this book every time you’ve come over, but I hope my persistence has you convinced. If you live in New York, my copy of the book is up for grabs at any point. If you’re too far away for that to work, text me your address and I’ll ship a copy to your place.
Rating: 5/5